The Dark Web — What Am It?

The Dark Web — What Am It?

As someone who works in the technology sector, I’m often asked by friends and family to explain something about that world that they’ve seen in the news, or had whispered in their ear by someone they couldn’t completely see.

Recently, much has been said about ‘The Dark Web’ (also called the ‘Deep Web’, the ‘Hidden Web’ or ‘Fonzie and the Happy Days Gang’). Perhaps you’re wondering what to make of it all, or are concerned about its potential effect on you or your elder relatives?
By way of a handy primer, and to counter much of what you may have heard, here are the key points:

1) The Dark Web is estimated to be much larger than the regular (Surface) Web. If the Surface Web were a regular Jaffa Cake, the Dark Web would be a Jaffa Cake the size of Egypt, and covered in spikes.

2) You can buy all manner of illegal items over the Dark Web, such as swords, alligators, crack, yellowcake and raw cow’s milk.

3) The Dark Web is 47% snakes, 25% knives and 28% “clap”.

4) If you found yourself in the Dark Web, your bones would turn to liquid and your lungs would fill up with almonds.

5) Everyone’s Facebook profile has an evil double on the Dark Web, which looks exactly like yours, apart from a distinctive goatee. It follows bands you can’t abide, is full of Britain First reposts and inundates your friends with requests to join a game called ‘Please Stop Putting Things in my Mouth When I Sleep’.

6) In August 2011, close to 6 litres of Dark Web seeped out of a Dell Laptop left upside down on a table in a Loughborough branch of Costa Coffee, burrowing immediately down to the water table and poisoning all drinking water. Along with causing beards and elongated teeth in all babies born within a 6 mile radius, reports persist of giant, eyeless rats emerging from household taps and toilet bowls to feast on anything in their path.

Originally published on Medium